Loving and Losing

Family…funny thing is it’s not what it’s cracked up to be, but it’s so much more. I’m one of eight kids; I guess that’s what comes of a Sailor Father and a Roman Catholic Mother. I can feel a few of my siblings right into the marrow of my bones, others seem little more than wall decorations at the occasional holiday back home. Then there are parents and children…I’m not sure what these relationships are supposed to feel like, but I have this strange suspicion that I’m not getting it right.

I had a distant father, typical for my generation, who loved his children but didn’t seem to consider it a full-time job. There wasn’t a whole lot of time for catch when I was growing up and I only remember him coming to one of my meets in the years that I was a swimmer. I guess after eight kids, he was tired…I have one son; I coach his baseball team and we play catch just about every evening when I get home from work. I haven’t missed a game or concert in his whole life. My wife complains to me all the time that I don’t give him enough love…she’s concerned about his self esteem. Not sure how I feel about that…I want him to have good self esteem, but I don’t think that mindless praise of anything he does is the right way to get there, but I digress... not sure how much of a daily impact my father had on my life, but I feel the hole that his passing left just about every day. I also lost a sister; it’s going on two years now. I had moved away 10 years before she passed and talked with her only infrequently. I can’t believe how much I miss her now that she’s gone! They say only loss gives us the perspective to understand our feelings. I believe that. I also believe that what we feel for some one is not directly tied to what they’ve done for us or how much we see them in our daily lives. I’ll never know, and suspect that it’s unknowable, why certain people have such a strong pull on our hearts.

Something inside me tells me I need to get used to this. I think that I will be here for a long time and will probably see most, if not all, of the people that I love pass away. I sometimes think about that future time, when I find myself alone with my memories. There are a few who’s passing I fear the most and who will leave me with memories that will be bittersweet with longing. Sometimes the touch is very deep. I think there’s something outside of this world and this lifetime that explains the pull (I’ve felt it for people that are only acquaintances). I believe we are connected in another and more perfect place and that we feel those connections here. When I am old and alone, I’ll focus on this belief and I’ll get through the day by realizing that the bittersweet memories are just a glimpse of the communion that we will have with each other in a better place and for forever.